“When my daughter gets better, then I’ll feel better.”

“When we know our son is safe and ok, then we’ll get back
to thinking about our retirement.”

“I can’t even imagine taking a vacation— I’d just be worried about my kid the whole time.”

I’ve worked with hundreds of families whose children struggle with addiction and have heard and seen ALL the things moms and dads say. They want to help, but saying codependent things like the statements above does not help anyone. Codependent behavior like this is just about guaranteed in a family with an addicted child. In fact, addiction and codependency are usually soulmates… holding each other hostage.

I love author Nikki Myers’ definition of codependency: “The dis-ease of looking outside oneself.”

When it’s your child who is struggling with addiction, it is really hard to look within. Because you’re way too busy trying to make excuses and justifications made for your child, as well as fix, control, solve, rescue, manipulate, prove, convince, etc.

Parents so often put their own life and well-being on the back burner when their child is struggling with addiction. But (and this is not an easy question) what if that never happens? What if what you’re dealing with now is exactly what you’re dealing with 5, 10 or 15 years from now? Will you forfeit your life, your happiness, your well-being while sitting on the sidelines of your life, waiting for your child to get better?

I get it.

I feel you.

Believe me, I’ve been there and my own personal journey to wholeness has taken me to what at times I thought was my last breath. The worry, the panic, the dread, the despair nearly took me out. Like they might be taking you out. What you are going through is absolutely excruciating.

But somehow, one day, and one step at a time, I managed to keep breathing. I managed to keep showing up for myself and change my role in my family so I could find myself and my life. God only knows where I’d be today if I hadn’t made that shift.

When I say “recovery is a family matter,” I mean that each family member has a role. And each has become accustomed to and skilled at fulfilling their role within the family system. And it usually revolves around the addicted child, and includes losing total sight of oneself. It’s kind of a murky, muddy mess where no one has their own identity or space. All lines within the family are blurred with no clearly defined or executed boundaries. (I’ll come back to boundaries later.)

It is only when each person begins to take responsibility for themselves and their own well-being that things have the possibility of shifting for the addicted child.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and the only person you ever have the power to change is YOU.

To change is not easy because it can mean bucking a system that may have been in place for decades. Changing calls you to make a commitment to yourself that will require and exceed anything you have ever done before. When you decide that you are tired of living in fear, uncertainty, hyper-vigilance, denial, and exhaustion, and that you’re finally ready to change, you will have entered what I call the arena of healing and recovery.

It is in this arena that you will meet yourself face to face, and heart to heart. You’ll release your guilt, reclaim your misplaced power and restore a life worth living on your terms. Your face will be marred with mud because healing is messy, families are messy, addiction is messy…and through this difficult and beautiful mess you will learn a new and freeing love language called “boundaries.”

You will begin to practice the word “NO,” which, by the way, is a complete sentence that requires no explanation. You will begin to learn and practice what it means to put yourself first, and begin refilling those places inside that have been depleted for a very long time. You will learn to walk parallel to your addicted child, allowing them the freedom of will and choice around how and when they find their own path to recovery.

You will learn how to be part of the solution, rather than part of the problem. And you will begin reclaiming your life—one step, one choice, one day at a time.

I am here to remind you that don’t have to put your life, health and peace of mind on hold any longer.

My question for you: Are you willing to enter the arena?

If your child or family member is struggling with addiction and you’ve put yourself on the back burner for too long, I’d love to chat with you. Change is possible. Click here to schedule a complimentary consultation.